Inspiration and Community

I had posted a link to my last post on G+. A friend responded with "Sometimes, I think you discover something that's true in a poly relationship, and blog about it as being specifically related to such and maybe never realize how it relates to the broader spectrum of life as well." Her next comment was an apology for being being critical. I let her know on no uncertain terms that I was actually proud of her for making that jump. After all, what is the harm if you use tools on improving a romantic relationship to help smooth over a disagreement with a friend? Relationships are relationships and it doesn't matter how many or how few. Advice given for a happy monogamous relationship can be applied to a polyamorous relationship just multiplied.

I was at a meetup and someone asked about resources for someone just starting out. B did something that impressed me. Instead of listing books, he would grab random people in established poly relationships (I was one of them) and ask them for their advice to someone new. Here were live, real talking people willing to share their thoughts not static books that wouldn't be able to answer questions. Sometimes poly people will cling to the idea that there must be a book, an article, something beyond them that will help them create this wonderful, beautiful relationship with enlightened beings that will last forever. Not entirely true. 

Inspiration can come from any source and sometimes in places where you would have never looked in the first place. Case in point was when I was having some trouble at work and was unable to find a solution. A friend posted a video on Facebook that sent me to YouTube. I spent the better part of an hour surfing videos and eventually found the answer to what I was looking for. It was random but it helped. When I thanked him, he was a bit confused but glad he could help.

I wanted to write a piece on community, along the lines of why it's important but I kept getting stuck. I would pick at it, leave it alone and walk away. Still, it kept nagging.
Then something broke loose. We were in Montgomery, AL packing J's apartment and had decided to join the freethought group he founded at a meetup. They're a wonderful group of people, intelligent and well-spoken. I was reminded of the our community that we've built at home.
I happened to hear a bit of conversation. An older woman was telling a story about her son. He had asked about her plans for the night and she told him she was having coffee with friends. "With the atheists, right?" he said. Her response was yes, they were atheists and they were, after all friends. "He sees me as militant," she said and rolled her eyes. "I'm just open, I'm not quiet about it, you know?" Those around her nodded and conversation turned to another topic.
Inspiration in an unlikely place.
Community is just that, a place where you can go and catch random bits of enlightenment to help you on your way. I'm not an atheist yet I felt at home with them. It does something to me to be in a place where I know I can be me and enjoy the company of like-minded individuals. I take that sense of not being alone with me in a world where my views are as foreign as a cat learning to fly.
I have friends who know me as intimately, that have encouraged and inspired me to keep going. There have been times when I have given up on projects only to have friends both in and out of the poly community unknowingly be the random muse I needed at that moment.
In the end, answers to questions do come. We have to be willing to listen.

(With love and thanks to BR and Trill)

Cleaning my shoes

I am not going to sit here and claim to be an Enlightened Human Being (tm). I have moments where negative emotions eat me alive and take over. Yes, I have to work through them. Some of them woke me up at 3am this morning. Bastards.
Poly people sometimes think that it is a bad thing to have negative emotions like jealousy, for example. I think it's not a bad thing, it's just an internal alarm that you need to step back and ask why that is happening. Suppressing it just makes it worse. Hiding it does not help. Ignoring it does not make it go away and certainly doesn't make it better.
Look at negative emotions as if they were cuts, sprains or broken bones. No one would walk around bleeding all over the place with a thumb hanging by a thread. If you have a serious cut, you would go to the hospital and get stitches. There would be antibiotics to clear any infections.
It's the same for negative emotions. They hurt, cause pain like a cut and your partners can administer emotional first aid by listening. They can help ease your pain by reassuring you, arranging things to reduce the chances of the emotion reoccurring. Hiding the hurt would be like walking around on a broken ankle. When one's in pain, it's hard to fully enjoy the glorious things around.
I came to this conclusion after a busy Saturday spent with the guys. They had an Atlanta Poly board meeting, we went to a meetup following that then went to Santacon (a pub crawl). On top of everything, we celebrated three years of being a triad.
At the last bar we went to, a Santa tossed feathers in the air which covered the floor. When I got home, I noticed there were feathers stuck to the soles of my shoes by heaven knows what gooey stuff. I was too tired to deal with it and left them for the morning.
My brain had other plans. Thoughts and emotions spun around my head, waking me up and sending me to the living room to listen to the Bloodhound Gang and upload pictures. I tried to ignore my emotions and the thoughts that woke me in the first place.
Then I looked at my shoes. Some things can't be put aside or ignored.
So I'm going to take my own advice and let my caring, supportive partners bandage the hurts.
Then I'm picking chicken feathers out of my Chucks.

The Gift of No and the Policy of Yes

I finally had the chance to sit down and listen to the Poly Weekly podcast from Burning Man titled "10 Principles of Burning (Poly) Man". This is the one where she took the 10 principles of Burning Man and applied them to polyamory.
I enjoyed it, backed up more than a few times and found myself alternating between nodding and smiling. My biggest take away was when they covered Gifting. Someone had said the phrase "the gift of no" and it stuck with me.
I admit that for me, "no" is the hardest word. I'll dance around the word, list reasons why I can't but I won't, can't say no. Example: "Hey, Pocket, do you want to go out to dinner with So and Such?" Me: "Well, I'm tired and I'd rather be home but if you'd like to go I'll get my shoes."
See?
The Gift of No is a part of self-care, in my opinion. It's good to know when you need to step back and take some time to care for yourself. I ran into that this weekend when I got an invitation to an event and had to refuse because I wasn't feeling spectacular. I felt awful for doing so but I had no choice, I had to take care of myself.
I like a balance in things so I added the Policy of Yes. There is freedom in being able to choose, to say yes to some things. However, the ability to say yes does not give carte blanc to do whatever you'd like which brings us to the word policy. In polyamory, you have to set your guidelines so you know when you can say yes.
Preplanning is the key to successful use to these tools. A conversation with your SOs to have everyone on the same page and knowing exactly what to expect is important anyways so this would just be an addition. When we were starting out we had a list of rules, which we relaxed as time went on and our comfort levels were able to handle. We got to the point where we had guidelines instead.
I wonder what impact having a Policy of Yes and a Gift of No would have had on our relationship, both then and now with J. Sometimes, even in the most comfortable and settled of relationships, you have to revisit where you stand. A wise man once said problems happen when conversations don't. It is not to say you're not happy, pleased and content with where you are now but sometimes it's nice to know that you have the ability to say yes and when to say no. That knowledge is comforting, even if you don't use it.
Having said all that, I'm going to sit down and take my own advice.

Organic Relationships

If you had asked me three years ago if I would be where I am now, I would have laughed. If you would have pointed out J and told me that he would one day ask me what symbol would reflect our commitment I know I wouldn't have believed you. Months before I met him, B told me he found someone I might be interested in and I remember laughing.
If you back up even further to the day I met B and told me the man I was going to hug would one day ask me to marry him I would've called you a liar. That we would eventually share our life with J was not even a thought.
I sometimes think we let our expectations paint us what we would call our ideal partner. People don't fit in neat boxes and certainly don't fit a laundry list of things one would want and don't want. If I had met B and J with a list of things I expected from my perfect partner, I wouldn't have given either of them the time of day. If you ask them, B prefers tall redheads.
There are certain things I would expect from someone who showed an active interest in me, such as a commitment to honesty and a willingness to communicate openly with me and my partners. I do have needs but those things I won't place on the table the first time we meet. Rather I'll see if through our interactions will be fit together well and if they would fit with my family.
Relationships should be allowed to develop on their own instead of forced. A date does not mean a life long commitment and, for the love of all that is holy, love does not happen in a matter of moments. It took months for me to tell J how I felt about him. I made B wait a year before we got married to make sure that was what he wanted. As a unit, we haven't started talking about cohabitation until recently.
I see relationships as a tower of cards. It takes care, a steady hand and patience. One wrong move can blow it to bits but once down, you can pick up the pieces and rebuild. It's also easier to do when one has an extra hand or two. One card at a time instead of taking an entire deck and trying to build a castle.
People usually do not come close to the image of our perfect partner. One can't start a conversation with someone, expect a spark that will become a life-long attachment or even a friendship. An invitation to dinner is not an automatic sign of interest and a commonality doesn't mean an instant connection.
I'm not saying that my way is the perfect way, the end-all-be-all. In fact, I will say I've little experience dating. I am the one who can't tell if I'm being hit on and need the guys to tell me if someone's interested in me.
What I am suggesting is that we not rush to add partners to the pile. I am saying that letting things take their natural course and not try to move things faster than intended. Been there, done that, heart broken.
Besides, I'd like to enjoy the feeling of friendship becoming something deeper. I rather like waking up one day and realizing that someone had wiggled their way into my life, my heart. My tower of cards complete.

Anatomy of a Fight

When communication comes up, the topic turns to effective communication strategies.  One point hardly noted or glossed over is the fine art of fighting. By fighting, I don't mean yelling, screaming matches that result in broken relationships and dishes but the ones that expose breakdowns in communication and bring those involved closer.
A fine example is what happened to us one weekend. I had something happen to me Saturday, independent of the guys, and had been letting it eat my soul and mood the entire night. B sat on me and tried to get it out of me. I blurted some crap answer so he would leave me alone.
The next day, I was still upset but tried (and failed) to hide it. When J and I were alone in the car, I blurted the reason I was upset. We got back and J had me tell B what was on my mind. B got upset because he felt like I couldn't talk to him, I got upset because I felt like I couldn't say anything without upsetting someone and both of us left the room. J, for lack of a better turn of phrase, grabbed us by the scruff of the neck and made us sit down and talk. We listened to each other, spoke our thoughts and ended with understanding each other a bit more.
Here's how it fell apart and how we fixed it from an active listening point of view. (Keep in mind this is how I saw it.)

1. Look at the person and suspend what you are doing.
We did that but when things got tense, we broke eye contact and went to our corners to stew. J pulled us out and redirected us back where we needed to be.

2. Listen not only to the words but the feeling content.
I know from my point of view I listened but what I heard was not what was said. What I heard was "because you don't talk to me, I feel bad" which made me feel guilty and shut down. How we fixed this was by sitting down and explaining "This was what I heard and how I felt about that", giving the the other person a chance to explain what they meant.

3. Be interested in what the other is saying.
In a fight, you want to be right. It's only normal. Honestly, in a fight I just want to be not wrong. It is very tempting to only pay attention to how to counter whatever issue is brought up instead of listening. J did a good job of redirecting us when we got off track or too emotional and not really, truly listening.

4. Restate what the other person said.
We didn't do that at the start. Assumptions were made, communication fell apart. Here is where it really went wrong. When we came back together, we restarted our conversation by restating what the other had said.

5. Ask clarification statements.
At the beginning, all we did was jump to conclusions. No clarification was asked for because we thought we knew the answer. Once we were calm, we were able to ask questions and discuss the answers without making guesses. J stepped on any potential conclusion jumping with ninja-like swiftness.

6. Be aware of your own feelings and strong opinions.
We were, a little too much. We had completely given over to expressing our own thoughts and feelings, while still holding each other in high regard, BUT our focus was making sure the other understood at all costs. A fight.
When we came back, we said things like "I understand how you would feel that way" and "I didn't mean it like that". I saw things from his point of view and understood his reaction. This helped me understand him a bit better.

7. If you have to state your views, do it after you have listened.
A big one. We didn't actively listen in the first place. Our concern was to be heard not to understand, another big and neon-colored no. J was a big help in this one when we sat back down by asking the other to wait until one was finished talking. Sometimes we need someone there to step in and wave a flag.

A few things to remember is we did the process over and over again, with each point in the discussion and the places where we got muddled. It looked something like this: listen-take in-respond-listen-take in-respond. Yes, it takes alot of time but it is very much worth it.
At the end of it all, we were all three sitting with our knees touching and holding hands. We thanked each other, laughed together and there was this feeling of peace. Sometimes a fight is good for the soul.

Shut Up and LISTEN

One of the most revisited topics in polyamory is communication. Everyone agrees that communication can make or break a relationship. I really think when we are focused on expressing our wants and needs we forget to take into account that we should be listening.
I've sat in discussions about communication, even fielded a question on the subject in a panel I did with the guys. I always want to add at the end of my spiel on talking that we need to remember to shut up at some point and listen.
One of the most informative tips on communication I ever got was on active listening. This didn't come from a poly workshop or a retreat that involved hugging but at a meeting at work. You can see a difference when someone is really, honestly listening to the words coming out of your mouth.
I'm going to save you from a hugging retreat and an interpersonal workshop, maybe even a potential breakup. Feel free to take notes.
Active Listening (explanations mine): *

1. Look at the person and suspend what you are doing.
Seems really easy. I'm bad about eye contact, I admit, but I will do my level best to give you my full attention. Forget multi-tasking when it's important. Put away your phone, tell whoever's online you'll catch them later. The internet will not disappear in the length of a conversation.

2. Listen not only to the words but the feeling content.
Sometimes we say one thing and are really feeling something else. Vocal cues can tell you alot about how someone is feeling, even when they won't say what's on their mind. Great example of that is my boss. I avoid her when I'm upset because she has the uncanny ability to hear the disharmony in my universe. I can't tell her everything is kosher, she'll call me out with a look.

3. Be interested in what the other person is talking about.
Seriously. Part of listening is being actually interested in what's being said, not waiting to rip it apart or for them to stop so you can talk. Even if you could care less, remember that it is important to the person speaking. I don't understand code or even pretend to but I will listen when J talks about computer stuff. I recognize his passion and show him respect by not reminding him that he is speaking Mandarin, showing a genuine interest.

4. Restate what the other person has says.
This shows you really heard and also will help you clarify. In the above example, I might ask J a question about what that bit of code that he described does when it's working properly or how it might go wrong. This can be very helpful in an argument: "You said you feel left out when I go on a date with so-and-so and then not take you to the movies because I'm tired."

5. Ask clarification statements.
This is an add-on of number four. I've asked questions for no other reason than just to show I'm listening, concerned. Less of a "and then what" and more of a "so what time did they show up?" These can also end a restatement as seen in above. One could add on "Would you like to set up a date night with me?"

6. Be aware of your own feelings and strong opinions.
Remember that you are talking to someone who has their own set of feelings and opinions but also remember that you are your own person. Everyone has an opinion and there is a fine art to expressing yours without looking like a total jackass. That does not mean you have to agree but to remember there is a time and place to be vocal. While you may not recycle, certainly don't tell an avid recycler that you see the whole thing as pointless and those who do are just spitting in the wind. It would also be wise not to tell a female lawyer that you believe women belong in the kitchen.

7. If you have to state your views do it only after you have listened.
This is active listening, not active interrupting. Let the speaker finish talking then say whatever it is that you have to say. Everyone likes to be heard, everyone has something they want to share BUT you need to listen before you speak. Conversation is more about listening than speaking.

For my next trick, I'll describe how to use these tips during an argument. While it may be lovely to have more than one partner, the fights will light up the sky.

*source: http://712educators.about.com/cs/activelistening/a/activelistening_2.htm

Roadmap

I wrote this for a poly magazine and am sharing here because, well, it still rings true now as when I wrote it last year.

Voice, Validation and Doubts

There are times when I see something that will keep me going, photographs that move me or a book that reminds me why I write. Like Dina Goldstein's "Fallen Princess" series or Gregory Maquire's Wicked, they stand as something to strive toward. Not so much a goal but to speak my own mind with clarity and share my thoughts with the same eloquence.
We forget in the mass of information, as we exist in herds and that we are a Google search from finding like minds one small truth. Despite what Chuck P. drives home in Fight Club, we are unique.
I remember having dinner with a photographer and his girlfriend and saying how I'd like to do a wedding shoot in a grocery store at 3am. Of course he laughed and asked why. I responded with why not. In retrospect, I was on to something and had not found the reason behind my vision: after the drama of the wedding comes the mundane world. The illusion is brought to the foreground instead of hidden behind a poofy dress and expensive cake.
I have long doubted my own voice. It's hard to write here in such a public place. I have thousands of photographs sleeping on my harddrive, five books that I've not touched since their first draft. I doubt the validity of my own point of view.
I wonder how many other poly people are sitting on plays, movies, music and art because of the same doubts.
The world needs your voice. Yours is a valid viewpoint and, for the love of all things with a cord, how can we achieve normalization without bringing our images to light? Maquire hints at a triad in Wicked and I've heard rumors of Adam Sandler in a movie about a traid. Then there's the awesome film "Bandits" that shows you the evolution of a triad that was so similar to what our group has gone through (minus the bank robbery bit) that we're going to watch it again and this time pause to discuss. For me, I was sitting there thinking that she was speaking my heart and mind things I couldn't say. Polyamory and polygamy get mixed up in the media. Maybe we should set the record to rights.
B told me something one day while we were on our way to garage sale in a warehouse. "Your photography made me see details that I hadn't noticed before. I would look for faces but now I look for odd shapes, things out of place." J once told me I'm his favorite writer. We have no clue who we will touch or how until we step up and just... be ourselves.
When I was a sign language interpreter, there was a coworker who would sign the concept of laying everything out on the table by touching her chest with both hands then moving them out, palm up and spreading them out like she was pulling out her heart and leaving it there for all to see. It moved me then and still moves me today. It's the sign I do when I'm talking and can't quite get it out. I do that and it's like something unlocks and I can speak again.
She influenced me without knowing it, helped me to share myself with others. Granted, I'm still working on that but I am grateful for the help. We never know who's looking, listening or reading and we've no idea what we can inspire in others until we take the time, make the effort and move through the doubts to show another the world through our eyes.

Who the hell are you?

We were at a meetup and were discussing group business. There were lots of things we had to talk about, decisions that needed to be made as well as general catching up.

In the midst of the conversation, someone new asks "When do we start talking about relationships?" I exchanged looks with J (our partner) and fixed my face to inscrutable. 

B (my husband) explained that we were going to talk about the workshop being held the following month. The new person said that she had learned more from talking to another new guy for fifteen minutes then she had in months of working on her own relationship. She then asked for names and configurations, which we gave because this was her first time there and we had neglected proper protocol. I was flustered at this point because I wanted to throw my notes at her.

After some more business was discussed, she handed the gentleman she had talked to her number, told him to give her a call with a smile and left.

My issues were not that she was insinuating that we weren't doing it right or whatever but who the hell sits around all day and goes" ZOMG, I'm poly"? I surely don't sit and stare at the guys a la Little Mermaid and say "So... poly" all day long. 

Relationships are live animals, they are to be experienced and lived not so much discussed. Sure, you can find things that you need to work on or find some revelation looking at someone else's experience but I ask this: is it really all that important? I completely understand the need to communicate one's feelings but if anyone came to me and just wanted to sit and talk about feelings, I'd run. If someone came to me with an issue, sure I'd talk about it with them. Yes, I tell stories about the guys all the time but I don't stand around and discuss our relationship. 

I used to write for a poly online magazine. I stopped because I started to feel like what they wanted was more how-to and less personal stuff. After watching them publish an article on someone completely overbooking herself and whining about it before ending the article with a "but I'm SO DAMNED HAPPY" I just never sent anything else in. That's not me. Mine was about going through a rough patch and how the support from my guys gave me strength to pull out of the pit. Never saw the light of day. I doubt if I turned this post into an article if they'd accept it.

After all, we love telling the world we're poly and how great it is but who are we as people? Once you say to someone you're poly, then what? I was at a party and a very dear, very close friend came up and hugged me, kissed me on his way out, promising we'd spend more time together next time. I sat back down on the couch next to someone who said "Oh, he looks nice! What's his configuration?"

She hadn't asked his name.

We are more than poly. We had hobbies, jobs, families and plans. We are made up of wants, needs and wishes. I write, enjoy photography, am working on publishing a book and am a serious coffee drinker. I am in love with a carpenter and a programmer. I challenge the community to stop repeating their configuration but to talk about themselves and what makes them, not their group, special.  

C'mon, people. If I'm talking to you it's because I want to talk to YOU about you. 

The Revolution will be Normalized

I'm going to get this out of the way: I'm poly. Happy now?
I've heard lots about the movement and plans, getting the word out and it just makes me bone tired. We don't need flag-waving, cardboard-sign revolutionaries. I disagree. I think what we need is to let everyone that we are that word that no one likes to use: normal.
At least to ourselves. As I type this, my husband is tapping an email while our boyfriend and 18 year old son discuss a video game. Our 6 year old daughter is sleeping or at least pretending to and I'll bet you a handful of internets that she's got a book with her. I'm listening to the Killers and trying to put the words in my head down. This may explain why I'm disjointed.
I've seen some online journals about being poly and, well, just living. Normal stuff, things that all of us go through at some point in time. I've said it once, I'll say it again: being poly is just like having a relationship only there are more people and a LOT more talking.
Yeah, normal. Gas-pumping, grocery-shopping, tv-watching normal. I read, like sci-fi and own a Siamese. Who are you?
The revolution needs to be normalized. We need to stand up and say "This is who I am. I'm just like you, only I have to deal with the same relationship woes many times over. But when I hurt, when I need someone there are many hands to help me stand."
Education can only happen when one can relate to another's experience. I can talk all damned day about being poly but if I relate it to something you are familiar with we have a shared vocabulary that we can use to discuss issues.
I fully expect to be beaten with a cardboard sign. Know what? I'll stand up from the dirt, dust myself off and ask how many of them have had someone else use their toothbrush. While they're blinking, I'll tell them how our daughter walked out the bathroom scrubbing her teeth with our boyfriend's toothbrush.
Normal.

I got sole but I'm not a solider.

Found a sole of a kid's shoe in the laundry. So I can say I have someone else's sole.
This morning I read a friend's blog as I had my second cup of coffee. It was nice to see him happy, blissfully so, and I envied his confidence for putting himself out there.
Someone posted a blog on Google+, I followed the link and expected an article of some sort but was pleasantly surprised by this down-to-earth peek into someone else's life. I'm following him because he sounds interesting. But again, he puts himself out there.
I may try this and see how it goes. I suppose the first part would be to introduce myself, something that will take longer than the time I have this morning.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        

My heart is full and my door is always open.

I have a Livejournal and a Dreamwidth accounts. I use them as diaries mostly, putting things that I wouldn't want to share with the world there and only allow close friends to read them. If you go to my LJ, you'll see lots of short stories. That's it.
My husband writes for the Examiner and I didn't want to join him because I had to use my real name.
Not that I have anything to be ashamed of, I just don't feel the need to stand up in this forum where anyone can read what you write. I just didn't want to wear my heart on my sleeve or unload it's contents on an electronic page and post it up. There is a certain bravery, beauty that comes with standing up and letting people see you for who you are.
But me? I'm a chicken.
My SOs are public. Not so much public personas but they themselves are out on the nets, searchable and trackable. Our lifestyle is different from the norm, our family not like the ones in the neighborhood around us. They don't mind being exposed. I hide.
Is it because I worry what people think? Maybe. I half wonder if it's because I see myself and my work as nothing really important. Maybe it's because I don't want the hate.
I'm still on the fence about this. I think I would use this to write essays on things that bounce around in my head  and maybe use this as a place to write about writing. Or I may delete this whole thing later. Who knows?
Listening to the Killers' "Read My Mind". One line sticks out from the rest for me: I don't shine if you don't shine.
Maybe that's what stops me in the end.