Anatomy of a Fight

When communication comes up, the topic turns to effective communication strategies.  One point hardly noted or glossed over is the fine art of fighting. By fighting, I don't mean yelling, screaming matches that result in broken relationships and dishes but the ones that expose breakdowns in communication and bring those involved closer.
A fine example is what happened to us one weekend. I had something happen to me Saturday, independent of the guys, and had been letting it eat my soul and mood the entire night. B sat on me and tried to get it out of me. I blurted some crap answer so he would leave me alone.
The next day, I was still upset but tried (and failed) to hide it. When J and I were alone in the car, I blurted the reason I was upset. We got back and J had me tell B what was on my mind. B got upset because he felt like I couldn't talk to him, I got upset because I felt like I couldn't say anything without upsetting someone and both of us left the room. J, for lack of a better turn of phrase, grabbed us by the scruff of the neck and made us sit down and talk. We listened to each other, spoke our thoughts and ended with understanding each other a bit more.
Here's how it fell apart and how we fixed it from an active listening point of view. (Keep in mind this is how I saw it.)

1. Look at the person and suspend what you are doing.
We did that but when things got tense, we broke eye contact and went to our corners to stew. J pulled us out and redirected us back where we needed to be.

2. Listen not only to the words but the feeling content.
I know from my point of view I listened but what I heard was not what was said. What I heard was "because you don't talk to me, I feel bad" which made me feel guilty and shut down. How we fixed this was by sitting down and explaining "This was what I heard and how I felt about that", giving the the other person a chance to explain what they meant.

3. Be interested in what the other is saying.
In a fight, you want to be right. It's only normal. Honestly, in a fight I just want to be not wrong. It is very tempting to only pay attention to how to counter whatever issue is brought up instead of listening. J did a good job of redirecting us when we got off track or too emotional and not really, truly listening.

4. Restate what the other person said.
We didn't do that at the start. Assumptions were made, communication fell apart. Here is where it really went wrong. When we came back together, we restarted our conversation by restating what the other had said.

5. Ask clarification statements.
At the beginning, all we did was jump to conclusions. No clarification was asked for because we thought we knew the answer. Once we were calm, we were able to ask questions and discuss the answers without making guesses. J stepped on any potential conclusion jumping with ninja-like swiftness.

6. Be aware of your own feelings and strong opinions.
We were, a little too much. We had completely given over to expressing our own thoughts and feelings, while still holding each other in high regard, BUT our focus was making sure the other understood at all costs. A fight.
When we came back, we said things like "I understand how you would feel that way" and "I didn't mean it like that". I saw things from his point of view and understood his reaction. This helped me understand him a bit better.

7. If you have to state your views, do it after you have listened.
A big one. We didn't actively listen in the first place. Our concern was to be heard not to understand, another big and neon-colored no. J was a big help in this one when we sat back down by asking the other to wait until one was finished talking. Sometimes we need someone there to step in and wave a flag.

A few things to remember is we did the process over and over again, with each point in the discussion and the places where we got muddled. It looked something like this: listen-take in-respond-listen-take in-respond. Yes, it takes alot of time but it is very much worth it.
At the end of it all, we were all three sitting with our knees touching and holding hands. We thanked each other, laughed together and there was this feeling of peace. Sometimes a fight is good for the soul.