When communication comes up, the topic turns to effective communication strategies. One point hardly noted or glossed over is the fine art of fighting. By fighting, I don't mean yelling, screaming matches that result in broken relationships and dishes but the ones that expose breakdowns in communication and bring those involved closer.
A fine example is what happened to us one weekend. I had something happen to me Saturday, independent of the guys, and had been letting it eat my soul and mood the entire night. B sat on me and tried to get it out of me. I blurted some crap answer so he would leave me alone.
The next day, I was still upset but tried (and failed) to hide it. When J and I were alone in the car, I blurted the reason I was upset. We got back and J had me tell B what was on my mind. B got upset because he felt like I couldn't talk to him, I got upset because I felt like I couldn't say anything without upsetting someone and both of us left the room. J, for lack of a better turn of phrase, grabbed us by the scruff of the neck and made us sit down and talk. We listened to each other, spoke our thoughts and ended with understanding each other a bit more.
Here's how it fell apart and how we fixed it from an active listening point of view. (Keep in mind this is how I saw it.)
1. Look at the person and suspend what you are doing.
We did that but when things got tense, we broke eye contact and went to our corners to stew. J pulled us out and redirected us back where we needed to be.
2. Listen not only to the words but the feeling content.
I know from my point of view I listened but what I heard was not what was said. What I heard was "because you don't talk to me, I feel bad" which made me feel guilty and shut down. How we fixed this was by sitting down and explaining "This was what I heard and how I felt about that", giving the the other person a chance to explain what they meant.
3. Be interested in what the other is saying.
In a fight, you want to be right. It's only normal. Honestly, in a fight I just want to be not wrong. It is very tempting to only pay attention to how to counter whatever issue is brought up instead of listening. J did a good job of redirecting us when we got off track or too emotional and not really, truly listening.
4. Restate what the other person said.
We didn't do that at the start. Assumptions were made, communication fell apart. Here is where it really went wrong. When we came back together, we restarted our conversation by restating what the other had said.
5. Ask clarification statements.
At the beginning, all we did was jump to conclusions. No clarification was asked for because we thought we knew the answer. Once we were calm, we were able to ask questions and discuss the answers without making guesses. J stepped on any potential conclusion jumping with ninja-like swiftness.
6. Be aware of your own feelings and strong opinions.
We were, a little too much. We had completely given over to expressing our own thoughts and feelings, while still holding each other in high regard, BUT our focus was making sure the other understood at all costs. A fight.
When we came back, we said things like "I understand how you would feel that way" and "I didn't mean it like that". I saw things from his point of view and understood his reaction. This helped me understand him a bit better.
7. If you have to state your views, do it after you have listened.
A big one. We didn't actively listen in the first place. Our concern was to be heard not to understand, another big and neon-colored no. J was a big help in this one when we sat back down by asking the other to wait until one was finished talking. Sometimes we need someone there to step in and wave a flag.
A few things to remember is we did the process over and over again, with each point in the discussion and the places where we got muddled. It looked something like this: listen-take in-respond-listen-take in-respond. Yes, it takes alot of time but it is very much worth it.
At the end of it all, we were all three sitting with our knees touching and holding hands. We thanked each other, laughed together and there was this feeling of peace. Sometimes a fight is good for the soul.
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Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Shut Up and LISTEN
One of the most revisited topics in polyamory is communication. Everyone agrees that communication can make or break a relationship. I really think when we are focused on expressing our wants and needs we forget to take into account that we should be listening.
I've sat in discussions about communication, even fielded a question on the subject in a panel I did with the guys. I always want to add at the end of my spiel on talking that we need to remember to shut up at some point and listen.
One of the most informative tips on communication I ever got was on active listening. This didn't come from a poly workshop or a retreat that involved hugging but at a meeting at work. You can see a difference when someone is really, honestly listening to the words coming out of your mouth.
I'm going to save you from a hugging retreat and an interpersonal workshop, maybe even a potential breakup. Feel free to take notes.
Active Listening (explanations mine): *
1. Look at the person and suspend what you are doing.
Seems really easy. I'm bad about eye contact, I admit, but I will do my level best to give you my full attention. Forget multi-tasking when it's important. Put away your phone, tell whoever's online you'll catch them later. The internet will not disappear in the length of a conversation.
2. Listen not only to the words but the feeling content.
Sometimes we say one thing and are really feeling something else. Vocal cues can tell you alot about how someone is feeling, even when they won't say what's on their mind. Great example of that is my boss. I avoid her when I'm upset because she has the uncanny ability to hear the disharmony in my universe. I can't tell her everything is kosher, she'll call me out with a look.
3. Be interested in what the other person is talking about.
Seriously. Part of listening is being actually interested in what's being said, not waiting to rip it apart or for them to stop so you can talk. Even if you could care less, remember that it is important to the person speaking. I don't understand code or even pretend to but I will listen when J talks about computer stuff. I recognize his passion and show him respect by not reminding him that he is speaking Mandarin, showing a genuine interest.
4. Restate what the other person has says.
This shows you really heard and also will help you clarify. In the above example, I might ask J a question about what that bit of code that he described does when it's working properly or how it might go wrong. This can be very helpful in an argument: "You said you feel left out when I go on a date with so-and-so and then not take you to the movies because I'm tired."
5. Ask clarification statements.
This is an add-on of number four. I've asked questions for no other reason than just to show I'm listening, concerned. Less of a "and then what" and more of a "so what time did they show up?" These can also end a restatement as seen in above. One could add on "Would you like to set up a date night with me?"
6. Be aware of your own feelings and strong opinions.
Remember that you are talking to someone who has their own set of feelings and opinions but also remember that you are your own person. Everyone has an opinion and there is a fine art to expressing yours without looking like a total jackass. That does not mean you have to agree but to remember there is a time and place to be vocal. While you may not recycle, certainly don't tell an avid recycler that you see the whole thing as pointless and those who do are just spitting in the wind. It would also be wise not to tell a female lawyer that you believe women belong in the kitchen.
7. If you have to state your views do it only after you have listened.
This is active listening, not active interrupting. Let the speaker finish talking then say whatever it is that you have to say. Everyone likes to be heard, everyone has something they want to share BUT you need to listen before you speak. Conversation is more about listening than speaking.
For my next trick, I'll describe how to use these tips during an argument. While it may be lovely to have more than one partner, the fights will light up the sky.
*source: http://712educators.about.com/cs/activelistening/a/activelistening_2.htm
I've sat in discussions about communication, even fielded a question on the subject in a panel I did with the guys. I always want to add at the end of my spiel on talking that we need to remember to shut up at some point and listen.
One of the most informative tips on communication I ever got was on active listening. This didn't come from a poly workshop or a retreat that involved hugging but at a meeting at work. You can see a difference when someone is really, honestly listening to the words coming out of your mouth.
I'm going to save you from a hugging retreat and an interpersonal workshop, maybe even a potential breakup. Feel free to take notes.
Active Listening (explanations mine): *
1. Look at the person and suspend what you are doing.
Seems really easy. I'm bad about eye contact, I admit, but I will do my level best to give you my full attention. Forget multi-tasking when it's important. Put away your phone, tell whoever's online you'll catch them later. The internet will not disappear in the length of a conversation.
2. Listen not only to the words but the feeling content.
Sometimes we say one thing and are really feeling something else. Vocal cues can tell you alot about how someone is feeling, even when they won't say what's on their mind. Great example of that is my boss. I avoid her when I'm upset because she has the uncanny ability to hear the disharmony in my universe. I can't tell her everything is kosher, she'll call me out with a look.
3. Be interested in what the other person is talking about.
Seriously. Part of listening is being actually interested in what's being said, not waiting to rip it apart or for them to stop so you can talk. Even if you could care less, remember that it is important to the person speaking. I don't understand code or even pretend to but I will listen when J talks about computer stuff. I recognize his passion and show him respect by not reminding him that he is speaking Mandarin, showing a genuine interest.
4. Restate what the other person has says.
This shows you really heard and also will help you clarify. In the above example, I might ask J a question about what that bit of code that he described does when it's working properly or how it might go wrong. This can be very helpful in an argument: "You said you feel left out when I go on a date with so-and-so and then not take you to the movies because I'm tired."
5. Ask clarification statements.
This is an add-on of number four. I've asked questions for no other reason than just to show I'm listening, concerned. Less of a "and then what" and more of a "so what time did they show up?" These can also end a restatement as seen in above. One could add on "Would you like to set up a date night with me?"
6. Be aware of your own feelings and strong opinions.
Remember that you are talking to someone who has their own set of feelings and opinions but also remember that you are your own person. Everyone has an opinion and there is a fine art to expressing yours without looking like a total jackass. That does not mean you have to agree but to remember there is a time and place to be vocal. While you may not recycle, certainly don't tell an avid recycler that you see the whole thing as pointless and those who do are just spitting in the wind. It would also be wise not to tell a female lawyer that you believe women belong in the kitchen.
7. If you have to state your views do it only after you have listened.
This is active listening, not active interrupting. Let the speaker finish talking then say whatever it is that you have to say. Everyone likes to be heard, everyone has something they want to share BUT you need to listen before you speak. Conversation is more about listening than speaking.
For my next trick, I'll describe how to use these tips during an argument. While it may be lovely to have more than one partner, the fights will light up the sky.
*source: http://712educators.about.com/cs/activelistening/a/activelistening_2.htm
Monday, August 22, 2011
Roadmap
I wrote this for a poly magazine and am sharing here because, well, it still rings true now as when I wrote it last year.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Voice, Validation and Doubts
There are times when I see something that will keep me going, photographs that move me or a book that reminds me why I write. Like Dina Goldstein's "Fallen Princess" series or Gregory Maquire's Wicked, they stand as something to strive toward. Not so much a goal but to speak my own mind with clarity and share my thoughts with the same eloquence.
We forget in the mass of information, as we exist in herds and that we are a Google search from finding like minds one small truth. Despite what Chuck P. drives home in Fight Club, we are unique.
I remember having dinner with a photographer and his girlfriend and saying how I'd like to do a wedding shoot in a grocery store at 3am. Of course he laughed and asked why. I responded with why not. In retrospect, I was on to something and had not found the reason behind my vision: after the drama of the wedding comes the mundane world. The illusion is brought to the foreground instead of hidden behind a poofy dress and expensive cake.
I have long doubted my own voice. It's hard to write here in such a public place. I have thousands of photographs sleeping on my harddrive, five books that I've not touched since their first draft. I doubt the validity of my own point of view.
I wonder how many other poly people are sitting on plays, movies, music and art because of the same doubts.
The world needs your voice. Yours is a valid viewpoint and, for the love of all things with a cord, how can we achieve normalization without bringing our images to light? Maquire hints at a triad in Wicked and I've heard rumors of Adam Sandler in a movie about a traid. Then there's the awesome film "Bandits" that shows you the evolution of a triad that was so similar to what our group has gone through (minus the bank robbery bit) that we're going to watch it again and this time pause to discuss. For me, I was sitting there thinking that she was speaking my heart and mind things I couldn't say. Polyamory and polygamy get mixed up in the media. Maybe we should set the record to rights.
B told me something one day while we were on our way to garage sale in a warehouse. "Your photography made me see details that I hadn't noticed before. I would look for faces but now I look for odd shapes, things out of place." J once told me I'm his favorite writer. We have no clue who we will touch or how until we step up and just... be ourselves.
When I was a sign language interpreter, there was a coworker who would sign the concept of laying everything out on the table by touching her chest with both hands then moving them out, palm up and spreading them out like she was pulling out her heart and leaving it there for all to see. It moved me then and still moves me today. It's the sign I do when I'm talking and can't quite get it out. I do that and it's like something unlocks and I can speak again.
She influenced me without knowing it, helped me to share myself with others. Granted, I'm still working on that but I am grateful for the help. We never know who's looking, listening or reading and we've no idea what we can inspire in others until we take the time, make the effort and move through the doubts to show another the world through our eyes.
We forget in the mass of information, as we exist in herds and that we are a Google search from finding like minds one small truth. Despite what Chuck P. drives home in Fight Club, we are unique.
I remember having dinner with a photographer and his girlfriend and saying how I'd like to do a wedding shoot in a grocery store at 3am. Of course he laughed and asked why. I responded with why not. In retrospect, I was on to something and had not found the reason behind my vision: after the drama of the wedding comes the mundane world. The illusion is brought to the foreground instead of hidden behind a poofy dress and expensive cake.
I have long doubted my own voice. It's hard to write here in such a public place. I have thousands of photographs sleeping on my harddrive, five books that I've not touched since their first draft. I doubt the validity of my own point of view.
I wonder how many other poly people are sitting on plays, movies, music and art because of the same doubts.
The world needs your voice. Yours is a valid viewpoint and, for the love of all things with a cord, how can we achieve normalization without bringing our images to light? Maquire hints at a triad in Wicked and I've heard rumors of Adam Sandler in a movie about a traid. Then there's the awesome film "Bandits" that shows you the evolution of a triad that was so similar to what our group has gone through (minus the bank robbery bit) that we're going to watch it again and this time pause to discuss. For me, I was sitting there thinking that she was speaking my heart and mind things I couldn't say. Polyamory and polygamy get mixed up in the media. Maybe we should set the record to rights.
B told me something one day while we were on our way to garage sale in a warehouse. "Your photography made me see details that I hadn't noticed before. I would look for faces but now I look for odd shapes, things out of place." J once told me I'm his favorite writer. We have no clue who we will touch or how until we step up and just... be ourselves.
When I was a sign language interpreter, there was a coworker who would sign the concept of laying everything out on the table by touching her chest with both hands then moving them out, palm up and spreading them out like she was pulling out her heart and leaving it there for all to see. It moved me then and still moves me today. It's the sign I do when I'm talking and can't quite get it out. I do that and it's like something unlocks and I can speak again.
She influenced me without knowing it, helped me to share myself with others. Granted, I'm still working on that but I am grateful for the help. We never know who's looking, listening or reading and we've no idea what we can inspire in others until we take the time, make the effort and move through the doubts to show another the world through our eyes.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Who the hell are you?
We were at a meetup and were discussing group business. There were lots of things we had to talk about, decisions that needed to be made as well as general catching up.
In the midst of the conversation, someone new asks "When do we start talking about relationships?" I exchanged looks with J (our partner) and fixed my face to inscrutable.
B (my husband) explained that we were going to talk about the workshop being held the following month. The new person said that she had learned more from talking to another new guy for fifteen minutes then she had in months of working on her own relationship. She then asked for names and configurations, which we gave because this was her first time there and we had neglected proper protocol. I was flustered at this point because I wanted to throw my notes at her.
After some more business was discussed, she handed the gentleman she had talked to her number, told him to give her a call with a smile and left.
My issues were not that she was insinuating that we weren't doing it right or whatever but who the hell sits around all day and goes" ZOMG, I'm poly"? I surely don't sit and stare at the guys a la Little Mermaid and say "So... poly" all day long.
Relationships are live animals, they are to be experienced and lived not so much discussed. Sure, you can find things that you need to work on or find some revelation looking at someone else's experience but I ask this: is it really all that important? I completely understand the need to communicate one's feelings but if anyone came to me and just wanted to sit and talk about feelings, I'd run. If someone came to me with an issue, sure I'd talk about it with them. Yes, I tell stories about the guys all the time but I don't stand around and discuss our relationship.
I used to write for a poly online magazine. I stopped because I started to feel like what they wanted was more how-to and less personal stuff. After watching them publish an article on someone completely overbooking herself and whining about it before ending the article with a "but I'm SO DAMNED HAPPY" I just never sent anything else in. That's not me. Mine was about going through a rough patch and how the support from my guys gave me strength to pull out of the pit. Never saw the light of day. I doubt if I turned this post into an article if they'd accept it.
After all, we love telling the world we're poly and how great it is but who are we as people? Once you say to someone you're poly, then what? I was at a party and a very dear, very close friend came up and hugged me, kissed me on his way out, promising we'd spend more time together next time. I sat back down on the couch next to someone who said "Oh, he looks nice! What's his configuration?"
She hadn't asked his name.
We are more than poly. We had hobbies, jobs, families and plans. We are made up of wants, needs and wishes. I write, enjoy photography, am working on publishing a book and am a serious coffee drinker. I am in love with a carpenter and a programmer. I challenge the community to stop repeating their configuration but to talk about themselves and what makes them, not their group, special.
C'mon, people. If I'm talking to you it's because I want to talk to YOU about you.
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