November

National Novel Writing Month in November swallows me whole, a fifty thousand words in thirty day challenge. In October, I can be found plotting, scheming and doing character sketches. November is worse, I don't say much and spend lots of time typing or saying random things when not obsessing about my word count. Last year, I had my oldest throw a slow punch over my head so I could see exactly what muscles he used.
Once I joked that I was going to write the poly version of the Anarchist's Cookbook, the Polyamorist Cookbook. My oldest (and personal stunt man) thought it was inspired. I always found something else to write and this year, I figured everyone else is writing a book so why can't I?
It's not going to be a how-to book in the traditional sense. It's a collection of essays written about our triad and the different things we've gone through, stuff we learned the hard way. Except for my point being that I want my reader to realize this lifestyle is VERY individual and no one person holds all the answers. No one way to do this is the Right Way.
The subtitle is "An UNPrimer". I want to undo the whole "by the book" mentality. Just because it was in a book doesn't mean that it is gospel. There are fine, well-written books out there BUT it is essential to be able to critically evaluate if it's relevant to one's life. I mean, I adore the manga (Japanese graphic novel) Full Metal Alchemist but I am certainly not going to attempt any human transmutation.
This November will find me writing essays about living in a poly household and dealing with mundane things like laundry, finances and adopting a kitten. I'll write about our adventures, how we handle things like vacations and holidays. Family will be in there, topics like seeing our oldest son off to basic training and our daughter's open house. There will be essays on things like community building, communication and how we decide between Dr Who and football.
It may or may not see the light of day. It may be utter crap or brilliant. But either way, I will have it completed by December 1st.

Acceptance not Conversaion

Last night a friend tweeted that he was debating polyamory, labeling it a "fun night". I responded jokingly that I'd just give silly responses but added I don't argue, just make my point known.
This morning, I went back to his profile and read the conversation. I saw one thing that made me wince. Someone said "Maybe you didn't find the right person."
Ouch.
That's an argument given the world over. You're gay? Maybe you haven't found the right man/woman. Bi? Maybe you didn't find the right man. It renders everything you've said to that point invalid. For me, it's like sticking out your tongue. To see that used in an argument for polyamory made my head hurt. I needed a hug.
Monogamy is a choice like polyamory and those who are mono deserve to have their choices respected the way we'd like ours. I've zero interest in 'turning you poly'. Hell with that, give me someone who WANTS poly as a choice not someone who had to be convinced. The world is full of people doing something they don't want to, I refuse to add to the pile.
Maybe my views don't line up with you. That's fine. Maybe we don't agree. Also fine. Not every human being in this world will think exactly like you. In my house alone I can give you four different opinions on any given topic and that is quite all right.
I'm not here to convert you or demonize monogamy. I have seen very successful relationships and absolute disasters involving varying numbers of people, mono and poly. If that makes YOU happy, you go with your bad self.
I do, however, have a problem when I am told that I am wrong. It is MY choice and not one I am forcing on another. You do you and I'll be me. I have mono friends who are awesome and support my family as their own. I will congratulate you on your wedding anniversary because I know how hard you have to work to make a relationship strong. I know because I have three relationships to work on.
In the end, monogamy is a choice and so is polyamory. I feel it is rude at the very least to force your choice on someone else. We should, as a community, be respectful of others. If nothing else then maybe they will extend the same courtesy.
We want acceptance, let's give acceptance.

Triad not V: Review of "Savages"

*contains spoilers*
If I read one more tweet about how "Savages" is about a V I am going to throw something. In this Oliver Stone movie, two pot growers (Ben and Chon ) try to rescue their kidnapped lover, O, from a drug cartel.
To my eyes, their relationship dynamic was close to the one we have at home minus the drugs, violence, explosions and cartels of course. "We love each other," O tells the audience and their actions spell it out in detail. Ben asks Chon if he told him he loves him, Chon replies he did that morning. "I mean it," Ben says firmly.
Relationships are defined as a bond based on love and trust. There's mutual respect. In that light, then the three of them are a triad not a V. Triads are three people in a relationship with each other, a V consists of two people in a relationship with one person but not having a relationship with each other. Ben and Chon are like brothers, sharing everything including the love of their lives. Their relationship should be defined by their love for each other, not completely ignored because they're not having sex. O is a part of them, they are a part of her. The guys compliment each other, balance each other. Just like a good, solid relationship will do when you have the right person.
When Ben falls apart, he does on Chon's shoulder. When Chon, former Navy SEAL, needs that reminder that there are other ways of being Ben is there to guide. In one scene, Chon is sitting on the patio and Ben brings him a beer. It's a small gesture but one that made me remember being brought cups of tea while writing. It's something someone who loves you will do for you.
Let's not forget O.
O describes Chon as earth and Ben as spirit but she is the water that flows through them and brings them together. Her love for them shines in every smile and touch. "I love you guys," she says. She has both a physical and emotionally relationship with them. In her heart, she loves them both completely.  She is a part of them, filling in their lives that missing piece. "My guys will come for me," she tells the head of the cartel without a shred of doubt. In that light, they are a triad.
If they were a V, Ben and Chon would not have their close bond with each other. Yes, they might have some sort of casual relationship but nothing to the depth of what they have. I seriously doubt they would have gone after O to the lengths they did.
I get annoyed when poly people talk about love but will define relationships based on sex. You CAN love someone without having sex with them. Honestly. Proof is in my house, sleeping in their rooms right now.
Yes, sex can be part of a relationship but love is also a component. In this film, three people love each other deeply. They share their lives together. They are three people who make one good, solid relationship not two guys sharing a girl. I believe this because this is how it is for us. I have two guys who love me to pieces and they are my heart and soul. O said that for me, beautifully: "In them, I have one complete man."
You're right, O. We do.

Hulk smash! (Contains Avenger spoilers)

We saw the Avengers last night. Wow, that was absolutely amazing. Inspiring, really because of the relationship dynamics between the characters. Wheadon is not only a master of dialogue but of using words to convey exactly how people relate to each other. I stand (well, sit) in awe of his mastery. Everyone has their hero, the person they want to be. I want to be Joss Wheadon when I grow up.
Now come the spoilers.
Yes, spoilers.
Spoiler-riffic stuff below... You were warned.
If you haven't seen this movie, do. From first frame to the Easter egg at the end, it is stunning.
David Banner said something that stuck with me: "My secret is I'm always angry." The entire film you have this outwardly calm, even mild-mannered doctor who is calmly taking in the world. He deals with little irritations like Tony Stack jabbing him with a tool with a puzzled look and returning to work. Stark keeps asking him how he does it, how he keeps the Hulk at bay. Banner refuses to answer, redirecting him back to what they were doing in the first place.
That hit me. Here is a man who keeps the Hulk under control and doesn't let him interfere with his life or his work. We could learn from Banner.
Emotions can eat you alive and hurt your relationships. There is a scene where Banner becomes the Hulk and Natasha is stuck under a pipe. I know that rational Banner would never hurt her but would the Hulk recognize her as friend? Same could be said of a strong emotion, like jealousy. In the grips of it, one could say or do something to hurt those around.
There is a scene where the Avengers and Fury argue and we see Banner maintain his composure. He cracks a few times, you can see frustration flicker across his face. However, he stays Banner. In a fight, you sometimes just need to remain calm and listen. Make your statements, move on. Keep the Hulk under control.
During the final battle, you see that Banner and the Hulk are one. The Hulk is no longer this mindless smashing beast but a thinking, rational smashing beast. Banner has learned to channel his anger into something positive. The Hulk smashes when he has to, with Banner at the controls.
There are times when we should be angry, should shout and scream. Tears are sometimes required and do heal. Sometimes we have to take the hurts and channel them into something else. Or else it eats us and we end up smashing things.
The Hulk and Thor mix it up, an epic brawl that left my jaw hurting. At the end, they fought together and kicked much ass. Then the Hulk punches Thor in the shoulder, sending him off camera. I cracked up because you can see the affection in the gesture. Hulk didn't mean to toss him that far, just show his gratitude  for the assist.
I am going to work on channeling my inner Hulk, smashing with purpose. Thank you, David Banner. That was a lesson I needed to learn.

Poster Children

Yesterday we were interviewed by a CNN reporter for an article she's doing on poly families. The experience itself was fantastic, there was lots of laughing and just us being ourselves. At one point, I said that we were too boring to be the poster children for polyamory. J pointed out that exposure will be the only way we become accepted. "If not you, then who?" asked the photographer. Good question.
I'm sitting here awake with a cat at my feet and music in my ears. Couldn't sleep, too much thinking and not enough time dedicated to gearing down afterwards. Too much thinking about what I should have said, what I should have not said and all sorts of anxiety about what might happen when her story goes live.
The questions remains: "If not you, then who?" Who indeed. I never felt like we represent the entirety of such a diverse culture of people. Polyamory is so varied, as different as the people in those relationships. I've always felt like if there was a poster, it should just have a group of people holding hands. As for being the poster child, I shy away because I don't want to stand there in the spotlight and declare I AM all things poly. I'm not your role model. You are.
Our way is not the end-all, be-all. There are other ways and being different from ours does not make them less valid. The way I treat my partners may or may not not suit someone. That's fine. I'm not the great poly messiah, standing on high and preaching the word. No one's words are canon, to be whispered in hushed tones.
The answer to the question is that all of us should be the poster children for polyamory. We should step out, show our faces and not let others define who we are. We should blog, make those movies and write those songs that describe our existence to the world. I'll repeat it until I am sick of saying it then say it one more time: the revolution will be normalized.
We have to show the world what it's like to be poly, how it works and who we are. That we're more than an idea but a working, valid lifestyle. As I write this, my partners and kids are sleeping. I can describe the day-to-day for you but I think you would spend lots of time nodding. Our family looks like yours only we have more people. We love each other.
All I can say is live, love and do your thing. Be who you are.
I started to read a book on polyamory but got sidetracked... cartoons were on.

Inspiration and Community

I had posted a link to my last post on G+. A friend responded with "Sometimes, I think you discover something that's true in a poly relationship, and blog about it as being specifically related to such and maybe never realize how it relates to the broader spectrum of life as well." Her next comment was an apology for being being critical. I let her know on no uncertain terms that I was actually proud of her for making that jump. After all, what is the harm if you use tools on improving a romantic relationship to help smooth over a disagreement with a friend? Relationships are relationships and it doesn't matter how many or how few. Advice given for a happy monogamous relationship can be applied to a polyamorous relationship just multiplied.

I was at a meetup and someone asked about resources for someone just starting out. B did something that impressed me. Instead of listing books, he would grab random people in established poly relationships (I was one of them) and ask them for their advice to someone new. Here were live, real talking people willing to share their thoughts not static books that wouldn't be able to answer questions. Sometimes poly people will cling to the idea that there must be a book, an article, something beyond them that will help them create this wonderful, beautiful relationship with enlightened beings that will last forever. Not entirely true. 

Inspiration can come from any source and sometimes in places where you would have never looked in the first place. Case in point was when I was having some trouble at work and was unable to find a solution. A friend posted a video on Facebook that sent me to YouTube. I spent the better part of an hour surfing videos and eventually found the answer to what I was looking for. It was random but it helped. When I thanked him, he was a bit confused but glad he could help.

I wanted to write a piece on community, along the lines of why it's important but I kept getting stuck. I would pick at it, leave it alone and walk away. Still, it kept nagging.
Then something broke loose. We were in Montgomery, AL packing J's apartment and had decided to join the freethought group he founded at a meetup. They're a wonderful group of people, intelligent and well-spoken. I was reminded of the our community that we've built at home.
I happened to hear a bit of conversation. An older woman was telling a story about her son. He had asked about her plans for the night and she told him she was having coffee with friends. "With the atheists, right?" he said. Her response was yes, they were atheists and they were, after all friends. "He sees me as militant," she said and rolled her eyes. "I'm just open, I'm not quiet about it, you know?" Those around her nodded and conversation turned to another topic.
Inspiration in an unlikely place.
Community is just that, a place where you can go and catch random bits of enlightenment to help you on your way. I'm not an atheist yet I felt at home with them. It does something to me to be in a place where I know I can be me and enjoy the company of like-minded individuals. I take that sense of not being alone with me in a world where my views are as foreign as a cat learning to fly.
I have friends who know me as intimately, that have encouraged and inspired me to keep going. There have been times when I have given up on projects only to have friends both in and out of the poly community unknowingly be the random muse I needed at that moment.
In the end, answers to questions do come. We have to be willing to listen.

(With love and thanks to BR and Trill)

Cleaning my shoes

I am not going to sit here and claim to be an Enlightened Human Being (tm). I have moments where negative emotions eat me alive and take over. Yes, I have to work through them. Some of them woke me up at 3am this morning. Bastards.
Poly people sometimes think that it is a bad thing to have negative emotions like jealousy, for example. I think it's not a bad thing, it's just an internal alarm that you need to step back and ask why that is happening. Suppressing it just makes it worse. Hiding it does not help. Ignoring it does not make it go away and certainly doesn't make it better.
Look at negative emotions as if they were cuts, sprains or broken bones. No one would walk around bleeding all over the place with a thumb hanging by a thread. If you have a serious cut, you would go to the hospital and get stitches. There would be antibiotics to clear any infections.
It's the same for negative emotions. They hurt, cause pain like a cut and your partners can administer emotional first aid by listening. They can help ease your pain by reassuring you, arranging things to reduce the chances of the emotion reoccurring. Hiding the hurt would be like walking around on a broken ankle. When one's in pain, it's hard to fully enjoy the glorious things around.
I came to this conclusion after a busy Saturday spent with the guys. They had an Atlanta Poly board meeting, we went to a meetup following that then went to Santacon (a pub crawl). On top of everything, we celebrated three years of being a triad.
At the last bar we went to, a Santa tossed feathers in the air which covered the floor. When I got home, I noticed there were feathers stuck to the soles of my shoes by heaven knows what gooey stuff. I was too tired to deal with it and left them for the morning.
My brain had other plans. Thoughts and emotions spun around my head, waking me up and sending me to the living room to listen to the Bloodhound Gang and upload pictures. I tried to ignore my emotions and the thoughts that woke me in the first place.
Then I looked at my shoes. Some things can't be put aside or ignored.
So I'm going to take my own advice and let my caring, supportive partners bandage the hurts.
Then I'm picking chicken feathers out of my Chucks.