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I finally had the chance to sit down and listen to the Poly Weekly podcast from Burning Man titled "10 Principles of Burning (Poly) Man". This is the one where she took the 10 principles of Burning Man and applied them to polyamory.
I enjoyed it, backed up more than a few times and found myself alternating between nodding and smiling. My biggest take away was when they covered Gifting. Someone had said the phrase "the gift of no" and it stuck with me.
I admit that for me, "no" is the hardest word. I'll dance around the word, list reasons why I can't but I won't, can't say no. Example: "Hey, Pocket, do you want to go out to dinner with So and Such?" Me: "Well, I'm tired and I'd rather be home but if you'd like to go I'll get my shoes."
See?
The Gift of No is a part of self-care, in my opinion. It's good to know when you need to step back and take some time to care for yourself. I ran into that this weekend when I got an invitation to an event and had to refuse because I wasn't feeling spectacular. I felt awful for doing so but I had no choice, I had to take care of myself.
I like a balance in things so I added the Policy of Yes. There is freedom in being able to choose, to say yes to some things. However, the ability to say yes does not give carte blanc to do whatever you'd like which brings us to the word policy. In polyamory, you have to set your guidelines so you know when you can say yes.
Preplanning is the key to successful use to these tools. A conversation with your SOs to have everyone on the same page and knowing exactly what to expect is important anyways so this would just be an addition. When we were starting out we had a list of rules, which we relaxed as time went on and our comfort levels were able to handle. We got to the point where we had guidelines instead.
I wonder what impact having a Policy of Yes and a Gift of No would have had on our relationship, both then and now with J. Sometimes, even in the most comfortable and settled of relationships, you have to revisit where you stand. A wise man once said problems happen when conversations don't. It is not to say you're not happy, pleased and content with where you are now but sometimes it's nice to know that you have the ability to say yes and when to say no. That knowledge is comforting, even if you don't use it.
Having said all that, I'm going to sit down and take my own advice.
