Who the hell are you?

We were at a meetup and were discussing group business. There were lots of things we had to talk about, decisions that needed to be made as well as general catching up.

In the midst of the conversation, someone new asks "When do we start talking about relationships?" I exchanged looks with J (our partner) and fixed my face to inscrutable. 

B (my husband) explained that we were going to talk about the workshop being held the following month. The new person said that she had learned more from talking to another new guy for fifteen minutes then she had in months of working on her own relationship. She then asked for names and configurations, which we gave because this was her first time there and we had neglected proper protocol. I was flustered at this point because I wanted to throw my notes at her.

After some more business was discussed, she handed the gentleman she had talked to her number, told him to give her a call with a smile and left.

My issues were not that she was insinuating that we weren't doing it right or whatever but who the hell sits around all day and goes" ZOMG, I'm poly"? I surely don't sit and stare at the guys a la Little Mermaid and say "So... poly" all day long. 

Relationships are live animals, they are to be experienced and lived not so much discussed. Sure, you can find things that you need to work on or find some revelation looking at someone else's experience but I ask this: is it really all that important? I completely understand the need to communicate one's feelings but if anyone came to me and just wanted to sit and talk about feelings, I'd run. If someone came to me with an issue, sure I'd talk about it with them. Yes, I tell stories about the guys all the time but I don't stand around and discuss our relationship. 

I used to write for a poly online magazine. I stopped because I started to feel like what they wanted was more how-to and less personal stuff. After watching them publish an article on someone completely overbooking herself and whining about it before ending the article with a "but I'm SO DAMNED HAPPY" I just never sent anything else in. That's not me. Mine was about going through a rough patch and how the support from my guys gave me strength to pull out of the pit. Never saw the light of day. I doubt if I turned this post into an article if they'd accept it.

After all, we love telling the world we're poly and how great it is but who are we as people? Once you say to someone you're poly, then what? I was at a party and a very dear, very close friend came up and hugged me, kissed me on his way out, promising we'd spend more time together next time. I sat back down on the couch next to someone who said "Oh, he looks nice! What's his configuration?"

She hadn't asked his name.

We are more than poly. We had hobbies, jobs, families and plans. We are made up of wants, needs and wishes. I write, enjoy photography, am working on publishing a book and am a serious coffee drinker. I am in love with a carpenter and a programmer. I challenge the community to stop repeating their configuration but to talk about themselves and what makes them, not their group, special.  

C'mon, people. If I'm talking to you it's because I want to talk to YOU about you.