Roadmap

I wrote this for a poly magazine and am sharing here because, well, it still rings true now as when I wrote it last year.

Part of being polyamorous is fielding questions about the nature of your relationships. You develop a thick skin (well, mine still smarts from time to time) for those who don't understand, loving patience for the endless questions of the curious but whenever I think about the ones who are beginning their journey, I am reminded of a friend's kid.

K was fifteen at the time, super eager to drive and had studied hard for the written permit test, i.e. glanced through it. My friend took him to the DMV and told him he could drive home to celebrate his victory. She drove home.

The second time, he said he had it but again she drove him home. Only this time, he asked questions about driving and clarification on the test's wording. The last time she took him to the DMV, he drove home.

It's the same thing for those starting out. Like a new driver, they might have studied whatever materials were at hand or maybe started working with theories gleaned from conversations with others. Unfortunately, putting these ideas into practice are not as easy as it would seem. Careless operation could hurt someone. There are guidelines to driving and polyamory but until you actually put them into practice, they are meaningless.

I wish I could hand a map to those starting out, mark out the places where I lost my way and highlight the best route, show the distinction between a pothole and something that requires a detour. This is not a journey for the fragile. Sometimes we take wrong turns and wind up going on dark roads best left alone in favor of well-light highways. 

Here's what I wish someone had told me years ago...

1. Not one person holds all the cards and all the answers. This I firmly believe. No one knows everything, especially yours truly. I am just an egg. I'm always learning, new ideas and new ways of looking at old ideas come my way daily. Part of the beauty of polyamory is that we are always growing, always changing. Don't let someone tell you they know everything. 

2.Whatever form your relationships take, they are unique to you because people are individuals and no two love the same way. It's easy to compare your group to another but not fair to either side. You can't crawl into someone else's skin and see through their eyes. Just as no one holds all the answers, no one way is the Right Way. All ways that lead to happiness are the right ones.

3. Communication is very important but can be broken into three parts: ask, talk and listen. Ask constantly, check in daily to be sure everyone is doing okay. Talk until you're tired of talking. Talk until you repeat yourself. Discuss everything and above all, listen. Don't just hear what is being said LISTEN. If you are not sure how someone feels about something, ask. Rinse, lather repeat. This is the hardest part but the one that is the most valuable. I wish someone had sat me down at the start and said "Assume nothing." Maybe then I'd have fewer scars.

4. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Everyone gets stuck. Sometimes we come across an issue that we can't see through because we're emotionally involved. In such cases you need a sympathetic third party, an outside observer to sit down and walk you through it. Chances are they've gone through it too and have suggestions on how to overcome it. People who truly care for you will not judge you and I hope love you enough to just want to make things sunshine and puppies for you. No one knows you're hurting unless you speak up.

5. Find a copy of Cinderella and burn it. The handsome prince and the beautiful princess are a myth. Don't look for Mr./Ms. Right and don't search for the perfect person to join your group. Toss that out the window. J came to us as a friend then our relationship grew into something more lasting, becoming a part of us. People don't fit into neat boxes and categories. Stop looking for glass slippers and unicorns. 

6. One step at a time. Polyamory is like making a house with cards, without a stable base you have nothing to build on. If your primary relationship is in trouble then that strife will bleed into the rest of your relationships. Have protocol set in place before you get involved but be prepared to fine tune them as situations and people change. First and foremost, be kind to yourself. Baby steps.

7. Learn how to apologize. Seriously. Not just "I'm sorry" but find ways to apologize that say in bright neon that you screwed up and are very sorry. You will make mistakes, no one's perfect, so learn to make amends. The flip side to that is to forgive. Part of apologies is learning to accept them with grace.

8. No one knows everything. Yes, I said it twice because it is important. If you do a search for polyamory you will find tons of links, email groups and meetups. You have to take everything and compare it to your feelings and how you want your relationship to be. This is a journey and there are many roads to take. Don't let someone tell you that you can't because it didn't work for them. 

9. You will screw up. Accept this as fact. Others will screw up. Again, fact. How do I know this? Because people are beautiful, imperfect creatures ruled by something as unpredictable as their hearts. Remember that we burned Cinderella at #5. No one is perfect. You will be hurt and hurt someone else. Just love them and move on.

10. Polyamory means multiple relationships. You have to maintain a relationship with every partner you're involved with. A wise woman pointed out to us that we are a triad, three groups of two and three groups of one. We have to make sure each relationship is stable and happy so the others are as well. Don't neglect them, especially yours with yourself.

These are by no means the Rules of the Road, just places I've marked on my map and am sharing with you in hopes that you may recognize the pothole before you hurt yourself and others. Take my map, I've memorized the landmarks but that doesn't mean I miss them sometimes and have to turn around. I've been lost and will be lost again. What matters the most is that I keep going.

Remember that the point of your journey is to be happy. If you're not, pull over and check your map again. Chances are you've misread the directions. I hope when you pull out your map, my notes help you find your way.

In the end, we have to treat everything and everyone with love and compassion. Good luck and drive safe.