The Gift of No and the Policy of Yes

I finally had the chance to sit down and listen to the Poly Weekly podcast from Burning Man titled "10 Principles of Burning (Poly) Man". This is the one where she took the 10 principles of Burning Man and applied them to polyamory.
I enjoyed it, backed up more than a few times and found myself alternating between nodding and smiling. My biggest take away was when they covered Gifting. Someone had said the phrase "the gift of no" and it stuck with me.
I admit that for me, "no" is the hardest word. I'll dance around the word, list reasons why I can't but I won't, can't say no. Example: "Hey, Pocket, do you want to go out to dinner with So and Such?" Me: "Well, I'm tired and I'd rather be home but if you'd like to go I'll get my shoes."
See?
The Gift of No is a part of self-care, in my opinion. It's good to know when you need to step back and take some time to care for yourself. I ran into that this weekend when I got an invitation to an event and had to refuse because I wasn't feeling spectacular. I felt awful for doing so but I had no choice, I had to take care of myself.
I like a balance in things so I added the Policy of Yes. There is freedom in being able to choose, to say yes to some things. However, the ability to say yes does not give carte blanc to do whatever you'd like which brings us to the word policy. In polyamory, you have to set your guidelines so you know when you can say yes.
Preplanning is the key to successful use to these tools. A conversation with your SOs to have everyone on the same page and knowing exactly what to expect is important anyways so this would just be an addition. When we were starting out we had a list of rules, which we relaxed as time went on and our comfort levels were able to handle. We got to the point where we had guidelines instead.
I wonder what impact having a Policy of Yes and a Gift of No would have had on our relationship, both then and now with J. Sometimes, even in the most comfortable and settled of relationships, you have to revisit where you stand. A wise man once said problems happen when conversations don't. It is not to say you're not happy, pleased and content with where you are now but sometimes it's nice to know that you have the ability to say yes and when to say no. That knowledge is comforting, even if you don't use it.
Having said all that, I'm going to sit down and take my own advice.

Organic Relationships

If you had asked me three years ago if I would be where I am now, I would have laughed. If you would have pointed out J and told me that he would one day ask me what symbol would reflect our commitment I know I wouldn't have believed you. Months before I met him, B told me he found someone I might be interested in and I remember laughing.
If you back up even further to the day I met B and told me the man I was going to hug would one day ask me to marry him I would've called you a liar. That we would eventually share our life with J was not even a thought.
I sometimes think we let our expectations paint us what we would call our ideal partner. People don't fit in neat boxes and certainly don't fit a laundry list of things one would want and don't want. If I had met B and J with a list of things I expected from my perfect partner, I wouldn't have given either of them the time of day. If you ask them, B prefers tall redheads.
There are certain things I would expect from someone who showed an active interest in me, such as a commitment to honesty and a willingness to communicate openly with me and my partners. I do have needs but those things I won't place on the table the first time we meet. Rather I'll see if through our interactions will be fit together well and if they would fit with my family.
Relationships should be allowed to develop on their own instead of forced. A date does not mean a life long commitment and, for the love of all that is holy, love does not happen in a matter of moments. It took months for me to tell J how I felt about him. I made B wait a year before we got married to make sure that was what he wanted. As a unit, we haven't started talking about cohabitation until recently.
I see relationships as a tower of cards. It takes care, a steady hand and patience. One wrong move can blow it to bits but once down, you can pick up the pieces and rebuild. It's also easier to do when one has an extra hand or two. One card at a time instead of taking an entire deck and trying to build a castle.
People usually do not come close to the image of our perfect partner. One can't start a conversation with someone, expect a spark that will become a life-long attachment or even a friendship. An invitation to dinner is not an automatic sign of interest and a commonality doesn't mean an instant connection.
I'm not saying that my way is the perfect way, the end-all-be-all. In fact, I will say I've little experience dating. I am the one who can't tell if I'm being hit on and need the guys to tell me if someone's interested in me.
What I am suggesting is that we not rush to add partners to the pile. I am saying that letting things take their natural course and not try to move things faster than intended. Been there, done that, heart broken.
Besides, I'd like to enjoy the feeling of friendship becoming something deeper. I rather like waking up one day and realizing that someone had wiggled their way into my life, my heart. My tower of cards complete.