Inspiration and Community

I had posted a link to my last post on G+. A friend responded with "Sometimes, I think you discover something that's true in a poly relationship, and blog about it as being specifically related to such and maybe never realize how it relates to the broader spectrum of life as well." Her next comment was an apology for being being critical. I let her know on no uncertain terms that I was actually proud of her for making that jump. After all, what is the harm if you use tools on improving a romantic relationship to help smooth over a disagreement with a friend? Relationships are relationships and it doesn't matter how many or how few. Advice given for a happy monogamous relationship can be applied to a polyamorous relationship just multiplied.

I was at a meetup and someone asked about resources for someone just starting out. B did something that impressed me. Instead of listing books, he would grab random people in established poly relationships (I was one of them) and ask them for their advice to someone new. Here were live, real talking people willing to share their thoughts not static books that wouldn't be able to answer questions. Sometimes poly people will cling to the idea that there must be a book, an article, something beyond them that will help them create this wonderful, beautiful relationship with enlightened beings that will last forever. Not entirely true. 

Inspiration can come from any source and sometimes in places where you would have never looked in the first place. Case in point was when I was having some trouble at work and was unable to find a solution. A friend posted a video on Facebook that sent me to YouTube. I spent the better part of an hour surfing videos and eventually found the answer to what I was looking for. It was random but it helped. When I thanked him, he was a bit confused but glad he could help.

I wanted to write a piece on community, along the lines of why it's important but I kept getting stuck. I would pick at it, leave it alone and walk away. Still, it kept nagging.
Then something broke loose. We were in Montgomery, AL packing J's apartment and had decided to join the freethought group he founded at a meetup. They're a wonderful group of people, intelligent and well-spoken. I was reminded of the our community that we've built at home.
I happened to hear a bit of conversation. An older woman was telling a story about her son. He had asked about her plans for the night and she told him she was having coffee with friends. "With the atheists, right?" he said. Her response was yes, they were atheists and they were, after all friends. "He sees me as militant," she said and rolled her eyes. "I'm just open, I'm not quiet about it, you know?" Those around her nodded and conversation turned to another topic.
Inspiration in an unlikely place.
Community is just that, a place where you can go and catch random bits of enlightenment to help you on your way. I'm not an atheist yet I felt at home with them. It does something to me to be in a place where I know I can be me and enjoy the company of like-minded individuals. I take that sense of not being alone with me in a world where my views are as foreign as a cat learning to fly.
I have friends who know me as intimately, that have encouraged and inspired me to keep going. There have been times when I have given up on projects only to have friends both in and out of the poly community unknowingly be the random muse I needed at that moment.
In the end, answers to questions do come. We have to be willing to listen.

(With love and thanks to BR and Trill)

Anatomy of a Fight

When communication comes up, the topic turns to effective communication strategies.  One point hardly noted or glossed over is the fine art of fighting. By fighting, I don't mean yelling, screaming matches that result in broken relationships and dishes but the ones that expose breakdowns in communication and bring those involved closer.
A fine example is what happened to us one weekend. I had something happen to me Saturday, independent of the guys, and had been letting it eat my soul and mood the entire night. B sat on me and tried to get it out of me. I blurted some crap answer so he would leave me alone.
The next day, I was still upset but tried (and failed) to hide it. When J and I were alone in the car, I blurted the reason I was upset. We got back and J had me tell B what was on my mind. B got upset because he felt like I couldn't talk to him, I got upset because I felt like I couldn't say anything without upsetting someone and both of us left the room. J, for lack of a better turn of phrase, grabbed us by the scruff of the neck and made us sit down and talk. We listened to each other, spoke our thoughts and ended with understanding each other a bit more.
Here's how it fell apart and how we fixed it from an active listening point of view. (Keep in mind this is how I saw it.)

1. Look at the person and suspend what you are doing.
We did that but when things got tense, we broke eye contact and went to our corners to stew. J pulled us out and redirected us back where we needed to be.

2. Listen not only to the words but the feeling content.
I know from my point of view I listened but what I heard was not what was said. What I heard was "because you don't talk to me, I feel bad" which made me feel guilty and shut down. How we fixed this was by sitting down and explaining "This was what I heard and how I felt about that", giving the the other person a chance to explain what they meant.

3. Be interested in what the other is saying.
In a fight, you want to be right. It's only normal. Honestly, in a fight I just want to be not wrong. It is very tempting to only pay attention to how to counter whatever issue is brought up instead of listening. J did a good job of redirecting us when we got off track or too emotional and not really, truly listening.

4. Restate what the other person said.
We didn't do that at the start. Assumptions were made, communication fell apart. Here is where it really went wrong. When we came back together, we restarted our conversation by restating what the other had said.

5. Ask clarification statements.
At the beginning, all we did was jump to conclusions. No clarification was asked for because we thought we knew the answer. Once we were calm, we were able to ask questions and discuss the answers without making guesses. J stepped on any potential conclusion jumping with ninja-like swiftness.

6. Be aware of your own feelings and strong opinions.
We were, a little too much. We had completely given over to expressing our own thoughts and feelings, while still holding each other in high regard, BUT our focus was making sure the other understood at all costs. A fight.
When we came back, we said things like "I understand how you would feel that way" and "I didn't mean it like that". I saw things from his point of view and understood his reaction. This helped me understand him a bit better.

7. If you have to state your views, do it after you have listened.
A big one. We didn't actively listen in the first place. Our concern was to be heard not to understand, another big and neon-colored no. J was a big help in this one when we sat back down by asking the other to wait until one was finished talking. Sometimes we need someone there to step in and wave a flag.

A few things to remember is we did the process over and over again, with each point in the discussion and the places where we got muddled. It looked something like this: listen-take in-respond-listen-take in-respond. Yes, it takes alot of time but it is very much worth it.
At the end of it all, we were all three sitting with our knees touching and holding hands. We thanked each other, laughed together and there was this feeling of peace. Sometimes a fight is good for the soul.

Shut Up and LISTEN

One of the most revisited topics in polyamory is communication. Everyone agrees that communication can make or break a relationship. I really think when we are focused on expressing our wants and needs we forget to take into account that we should be listening.
I've sat in discussions about communication, even fielded a question on the subject in a panel I did with the guys. I always want to add at the end of my spiel on talking that we need to remember to shut up at some point and listen.
One of the most informative tips on communication I ever got was on active listening. This didn't come from a poly workshop or a retreat that involved hugging but at a meeting at work. You can see a difference when someone is really, honestly listening to the words coming out of your mouth.
I'm going to save you from a hugging retreat and an interpersonal workshop, maybe even a potential breakup. Feel free to take notes.
Active Listening (explanations mine): *

1. Look at the person and suspend what you are doing.
Seems really easy. I'm bad about eye contact, I admit, but I will do my level best to give you my full attention. Forget multi-tasking when it's important. Put away your phone, tell whoever's online you'll catch them later. The internet will not disappear in the length of a conversation.

2. Listen not only to the words but the feeling content.
Sometimes we say one thing and are really feeling something else. Vocal cues can tell you alot about how someone is feeling, even when they won't say what's on their mind. Great example of that is my boss. I avoid her when I'm upset because she has the uncanny ability to hear the disharmony in my universe. I can't tell her everything is kosher, she'll call me out with a look.

3. Be interested in what the other person is talking about.
Seriously. Part of listening is being actually interested in what's being said, not waiting to rip it apart or for them to stop so you can talk. Even if you could care less, remember that it is important to the person speaking. I don't understand code or even pretend to but I will listen when J talks about computer stuff. I recognize his passion and show him respect by not reminding him that he is speaking Mandarin, showing a genuine interest.

4. Restate what the other person has says.
This shows you really heard and also will help you clarify. In the above example, I might ask J a question about what that bit of code that he described does when it's working properly or how it might go wrong. This can be very helpful in an argument: "You said you feel left out when I go on a date with so-and-so and then not take you to the movies because I'm tired."

5. Ask clarification statements.
This is an add-on of number four. I've asked questions for no other reason than just to show I'm listening, concerned. Less of a "and then what" and more of a "so what time did they show up?" These can also end a restatement as seen in above. One could add on "Would you like to set up a date night with me?"

6. Be aware of your own feelings and strong opinions.
Remember that you are talking to someone who has their own set of feelings and opinions but also remember that you are your own person. Everyone has an opinion and there is a fine art to expressing yours without looking like a total jackass. That does not mean you have to agree but to remember there is a time and place to be vocal. While you may not recycle, certainly don't tell an avid recycler that you see the whole thing as pointless and those who do are just spitting in the wind. It would also be wise not to tell a female lawyer that you believe women belong in the kitchen.

7. If you have to state your views do it only after you have listened.
This is active listening, not active interrupting. Let the speaker finish talking then say whatever it is that you have to say. Everyone likes to be heard, everyone has something they want to share BUT you need to listen before you speak. Conversation is more about listening than speaking.

For my next trick, I'll describe how to use these tips during an argument. While it may be lovely to have more than one partner, the fights will light up the sky.

*source: http://712educators.about.com/cs/activelistening/a/activelistening_2.htm