Bikini Body

Yesterday I was choosing a bathing suit for an afternoon spent with J and our daughter at the waterpark. I picked up the tummy concealing bathing suit from last year and my eye fell on the very cute, very bright bikini someone gave me that I never fit in. It was too pretty to throw out and it just got lost in the drawer. 

It's just me in my bedroom. I tried it on. It fit. Perfectly.

After months of practice, hours spent sweating on a mat and run-walking miles I saw a difference. My focus has been to improve my fitness level, not to lose weight or tone up. I've lost less than a handful of pounds but  have this athletic lean body as a result of my training. I was shocked.

Just one thing almost made me take it off: my stomach shows beyond a doubt that I've had kids. It looks like a tiger used my stomach as a scratching post. The skin is stretched out. The only way to fix that would require a knife and lots of money. I'm not going to do that. Just seems like I'd be a different person.

I started to take it off and thought of an article I saw on a mother's body image influencing the way her daughter sees herself. I thought of the pretty little girl I have downstairs proudly wearing her tie-dyed rainbow bikini she loves. I never want her to feel anything but love for the vehicle carrying her brilliant mind and allowing her to move through life. 

I kept the bikini on. 

J loved it but our daughter's reaction was worth it. Her eyes lit up, her jaw hit the floor. I asked what she thought. "I like it! You look great!" She had this big smile on her face as I asked her to throw on some clothes so we could head out. I heard her ask J in this hushed, proud voice: "Have you seen Momma?" I could hear the smile in his voice: "Yeah, I did."

I was nervous about going out in public in it. Then something occurred to me. The only people whose opinions mattered at the waterpark were the ones with me. They liked how I looked. I'm out to enjoy myself, to hell with what other people think.

I had a blast. There was moment when a young woman looked at me and I could see this look on her face. I recognized it because it had been on mine before. She was mentally comparing herself to me... and she didn't like how she looked. 

I understood. Despite being absolutely gorgeous with an even bronze tan and this long, thick blonde hair she was comparing our sizes. It didn't matter how she looked, she was still going over her flaws. I did something I had never done before: I made eye contact and smiled. 

She looked away but I saw her shoulders straighten. I bounced on. 

We had a blast. Smelling like chlorine and worn out to the bone, we headed home talking about the next time. 

I woke up this morning and saw a friend kicking herself on social media for not being absolutely perfect, for not meeting the fitness goals she had set for herself. I wanted to reach in the screen and hug her. Because she is perfect. Screw the numbers, screw what other people do or think.

I was listening to this and took the time to actually watch the video. I offer you this, a beautiful woman who does not look like a supermodel: http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&v=0GStp-Mzy_w&feature=endscreen 

Everything is Kung Fu

While surfing YouTube, I ran across a clip from Karate Kid (the Chan-Smith one) and had something Mr. Han (Chan) haunt me. Dre (Smith) gripes about his training, says that Han doesn't know kung-fu. Han demonstrates how what he has been doing, while mundane, is a part of training. "Everything is kung fu" he tells Dre. "It's in everything we do."
I nodded because that summed up how I feel about polyamory. It's less of this thing that you do from time to time but a part of you that is always there. I come home to the guys, coordinate calendars, plan trips and just talk. We ARE polyamory.
Even if I was alone, it would not make me less poly. It's not like a wallet that I can slip out of my pocket and place on a shelf until I need it. It's part of what makes me Me. Imagine removing a toe whenever you're not walking. Toes aren't detachable. Neither is aspects of your self.
I am poly. It's in every aspect of my life, in every interaction. Why not? Why not take the effective communication tools learned at home with you to, for example, work? There is little harm that can come from clear, honest communication in the workplace. I admit to sometimes being too blunt but I am, as all of us, a work in progress.
In the clip, Dre complains that he isn't learning anything. To him, he's only taking on and off a jacket. To his master, Dre is working on a pattern until it becomes instinct. The same can be said of polyamory.
Everything around us is a potential teacher. There is something to be learned about ourselves, others from just about anything. You never know what moment will bring clarity.
Bruce Lee wrote that a martial artist should "flow like water". I agree. I also think that poly people should "flow like water" and let their own personal experiences guide them on their path. Like Dre, instead of waiting for experts to give us answers, we should look to ourselves. Rather then yell at Mr. Han because he hasn't instantly turned us into a kung fu master we should pick up the jacket and do the damned work.
Everything is poly.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J_g_rLFpbeU